Hi again Stacey.
Last time I was only at a computer for a few minutes, and looking back at your message and my misspelled response, I thought I'd take your invitation to use my words and try again.
I was having a talk with another beloved member a while ago, and it came up that we had both visited a number of communities, tried different things, and just never felt "at home". Then we came across this little group of folks, and the way things were done, and suddenly got the feeling, "Oh! Here I am!" I have no doubt that other people from our sangha feel the same way, and I'll give you dollars against donuts that people in other communities have had experienced that too. I guess what I mean to say is I encourage you to check us out, and check out some other peoples, and hold out 'til you know what's right. (oh, and there are a number of "sangha-jumpers" in the group, who belong to different communities, so don't think you can't join us and also whoever else). DIY isn't perfect, or the best way, or even necessarily the right way. But we're a way that seems like a good thing for a number of us, and for me right now that's gotta be good enough.
'Course, buddhism has a lot to say about ego and habitual patterns, and we are encouraged to see them and challenge them with some bravery. I often thought the reason I felt like a round peg in a square hole with these other groups was my ego was too strong and I needed to push and learn myself right. But then, I would always be left with this doubt, this worry that I was throwing out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak- critical intelligence is really important on the path too, eh? And there is a saying that there are 84,000 dharmas for 84,000 kinds of people.
Right now I don't think our group is going to spontaneously produce a hundred buddhas by the end of the year. I don't think we're going to become rich or famous or necessarily prosteletyze the masses and bring about world peace. But I have to say that I am sincerely diggin us, and my practice has taken on a colour and quality that it never had before, when always being compared (by my own mind, I assure you) to the policy or dogmas of some larger, more established, more institutional sangha. I keep coming back because I honestly feel like DIY is a space where I can be accepted (in small to mid-sized doses, I'm sure), and moreover can earn a little acceptance, myself.
We have no teachers or official meditation instructors. We have a few people who have studied the dharma at various levels in various traditions over various periods of time. Sometimes that frightens me, coming from traditions where lineage and proper transmission of teachings is very very very important. We're not always sure who we are, and I think that some of us would disagree on where we would like to go. All of these things scare me. And yet, what was that thing I said up above about being brave, eh? I find I trade off the comfort andf security of being a part of an institution with the credentials and history to make it officialy official, for a space where I honestly feel like an equal to everyone in the circle. Like I have the right to ask or tell, just as much as anyone there.
And I guess I may have to abandon my aspirations to acheive perfect peace and wisdom and Buddhahood in this lifetime. Or even to figure out what the heck is this going on?! I guess I'll have to work that out. But if I can sit with that nervous fear, I do find that whatever I am attaining, each time I get together to sit with my friends ... well, it might just be worth the price, you know?