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beginnings and silence
I decide to indulge in the beauty of stillness. I feel myself a hedonist, indulging in the luxury of no sound, no bright lights, no commotion. A treat in a life full of desks and glowing screens and background music and important discussions and points and clickclickclicks. I sit in my living room in silence. Lights are off, aside from a dim lamp beside me. Just enough light for me to read, no more.
My roommate enters. A hurricane of jagged movements and sighs. From my comfortable space I smile. Offer no words. I don’t think to speak. She looks around and says, in a tone laced with disgust, “It’s so MOROSE in here.” I’m unsure what to say. I tell her I thought it felt peaceful. Later, after the hurricane travels upstairs and downstairs and back out the door, I look around, and wonder if she was right. Maybe the silence I find beautiful, peaceful, even necessary, is gloomy to her. I wonder to myself, have I got it all wrong? Am I wrong about what my peace looks like?
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silence
I am a great fan of silence, myself. I have loved the space that no tv, no computer, no roommates has made in my life. Does it sometimes lead to a bit of "morose"? Sure. But more morbid, I think, to be spinning "very important and meaningful" circles of jagged-edged claustrophobia in the middle of all the space in the universe. More morbid, I think, to busy busy busy and be smiley-ha-ha-ha when in our hearts we are on fire and we cry/drink/fuck ourselves to sleep more nights than not. If sitting in silence brings about sadness, let it be so. If joy, let that be so, too.
But far more important than that judgmental mindedness is the simple lesson- "Of the two witnesses, trust the principle one". you already know if you are happy or sad. You already know if your actions are skillful or un-. And you have more than the right, but the duty, to decide for yourself. Are you killing someone? Are you stealing? Are you lying or using your words to harm and hide? Are you using sex to hurt, yourself or the other or both? Or are you getting so drunk or stoned that you do any of the above and try to excuse yourself 'cause it's not MY fault? In any of those cases, you should consider stopping that. In any other case, you have the right, and the duty, to do it with as much honesty and mindfulness as you can muster in that moment.
How's that?
thanks
Thanks for your response. My little story was me trying to express the struggle between finding what feels to be peace for me, and finding myself being judged and judging. I appreciate your response because it got to the heart of what I was trying to say, and encourages me to trust myself and let go of judgment, something I'm working on at the moment.
wild in stillness...
This story, your story also speaks to your room mates story. Perhaps, in that stillness, that quiet, your room mate can see her own moross'ness. In AA and in another group I am apart of we often say, you spot it, you got it. Our words give us little hints of what we are carrying around, to you its peacefull, because that is what you are cultivating and to your roomate it is morose, perhaps that is what they are cultivating..................just a thought.
When I tell people the most challenging and wonderfull part of my day is staring at the wall, they think I am a fucking nut bag. And I think the world outside of staring at the wall is alot crazier.